HEART MATTERS

“Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”  James 5:16

Did you know you can be in a loving relationship with someone and yet not be completely restored to them?  My girlfriend Kat and I were discussing this very issue after listening to Back to the Bible (I believe it was David Chadwick) a while back.  He explained that a person can completely forgive someone without the relationship ever being restored.  He said in order for there to be restoration there has to be ownership.  Each party has to be open, honest, and transparent regarding their role in the areas of fault.  My friend and I both readily agreed with his assessment.   We realized there have been people in both of our pasts who we have forgiven but with whom our relationships have never been the same.  The relationships have either completely ended or are only a shadow of what they once were.

As we dove deeper into this issue we began to question how this truth plays out within the context of our committed relationships.  The ones in which we have no other choice but to continue to do life with, the ones we’d never want to do life without, even after terrible contention and ongoing conflict.  Relationships such as marriage, parents, siblings, and in-laws.  None of these relationships are exempt from conflict and so we often times find ourselves having to forgive and forget-or at least move on.  Forgiveness is a basic principal within Christianity.  Although we struggle with it, hopefully we realize that forgiveness is not an option.  The Lord commands us to forgive others as He has forgiven us.  So as believers we make the mental decision to extend forgiveness to the other person and by the Lord’s grace and equipping we’re able to do it.  Victory!  That very act of choice, choosing to forgive, changes the trajectory of the relationship and does something beautiful inside our hearts.

But then what? Does healing of the relationship naturally ensue?  Does it mean the relationship is now automatically reset right to where it was before?  I don’t think so.  I believe there are many factors to consider.  Like for instance the gravity of the offense itself and/or the level of remorse or repentance involved. Somethings deeply wound us and take more than the decision to forgive in order for there to be healing.  Like another friend said in regards to forgiveness, “we are quick to extend forgiveness to the other person and let them off the hook, but what about the hurt that remains in our hearts?”  While I admit that this forgiveness thing is multi-faceted (Jesus told Peter be willing to forgive “up to seventy times seven.” Matt. 18:22), unfortunately it seems that forgiveness can happen and the quality of the relationship can still deteriorate.

Through forgiveness we move forward and the relationship can look exactly the same on the outside but in reality it can feel very different inwardly.  Okay (I’m processing as I write this) we can have an ongoing active relationship with someone with whom we do life with every day and not have a completely restored relationship with them.  It’s like the video games my kids used to play where their “heart life” could decrease or increase depending on how well they played the game.  We can carry on within our close relationships all the while experiencing a serious deficiency in our level of intimacy.

I get it!  This is how a couple can stay married for 50 years no longer attracted to each other and resigned to live out their remaining years like roommates.   The admiration and adoration has been lost under a pile of unresolved issues. The love is there but the intimacy in the relationship has weakened and become unstable.  We forgive and this allows us to continue to love but in the difficult places without true resolution there’s no true reconciliation.  Unresolved issues can wear on our hearts and eventually cause our relationships to suffer.

Now I want you to know that I’m in no way dismissing or undermining the importance of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is crucial.  I believe forgiveness is the starting point. It’s the foundation on which the steps to healing can be built.  Forgiveness allows room for hope and opens the door that can led to complete restoration.  Forgiveness releases the offender from a debt owed and releases the person offering it from the poisonous bitterness that unforgiveness can cultivate.  Forgiveness prepares a place in our hearts for restoration.  However I agree with Mr. Chadwick, forgiveness doesn’t automatically lead to restoration.

It’s like our relationship with the Lord.  Once we have believed and placed our faith in Jesus Christ alone for our salvation, we now have entered into a relationship with the living Lord of the universe.  However, as we grow in His knowledge and grace, how we handle our sin issues can greatly affect our level of intimacy with Him.  It’s not a matter of His love-He’s proven His love for us on the cross.  “While we were yet sinners Christ died for us” Romans 5:8.”  It’s a matter of our character, integrity, and our willingness to be open and honest before the Lord. It’s a matter of our hearts. If we choose to sweep our sins under the rug and pretend like they aren’t there, it will affect our intimacy with God. It doesn’t change our position (we can’t lose our salvation) but it changes our posture so to speak.  Ignoring our sin is like being in a room with Him but instead of sitting at His feet, we’re at the other side of the room with our backs to Him. When He speaks we can hardly hear Him.  Instead of looking at Him, we’re looking at all the distractions through the doorway outside of the room.  As time passes we desire more and more to leave the room altogether because it’s becoming more and more uncomfortable to stay there.

When our hearts are affected in a negative way by others we need truth and transparency in order for there to be total healing.  We can forgive and that allows us to move on but the heart will continue to long for the healing that can lead to true restoration with those we love.  As we wait we will need to stay close to the Lord and allow Him to guide us through.  He will help us replace the desperate longing with hope.  Whenever resentment begins to rear its ugly head, HE’ll help us to forgive over and over again. He will help us learn unconditional agape love through it.  As we choose to forgive, The Lord will take what the enemy means for evil and use it for our good.  The sting of the offense will be used to strengthen our character.

So who do you need to forgive today so that the road to restoration can open up?  If you’re willing to forgive, God will give you the grace to forgive.  Do you have a relationship where there’s been forgiveness but you’re still longing for restoration?  Share your heart with the Lord and hope.  Remember The Lord is in the business of reconciliation and restoration!

In the meantime, let HIM speak this to your heart…

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails…” 1^st Corinthians 13: 4-8a

HEART TO HEART:  “OWN YOUR PART AND RESTORE A HEART”