HEART MATTERS

“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.  2^nd Corinth.10:4-6

Normally when someone hears the word “confrontation” thoughts of a battle or a war ensue.  Overall, it’s difficult to see “confronting” as anything other than threatening or at the very least somewhat abrasive.  If the concept of confronting someone generally invokes something negative for you, today i’m going to challenge you to reconsider altogether.  When Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mound in Matthew chapter 5, one of the things He said was “Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God” (verse 5).  Have you ever considered that in order for there to be peace there first must be confrontation?  We normally automatically assume that if we hold our peace, we then keep the peace, and thus we are being peacemakers.  The problem is  holding our peace also results in us holding everything in where it can fester.  When we sweep important issues under the rug build up can begin on the inside of us.  Nothing gets resolved and both parties are left stuck with the disparaging feelings they refuse to openly address in hopes that they will just disappear on there own.  But they never go away do they?  In fact, those resentments become our filters through which we now view our offenders. We can be civil around them and even love them, but we begin to like them less and less and resent them more and more.  So which way is best?  Not saying anything and holding our peace all the while disliking the other person more and more?  Or, deciding to lovingly confront in a effort to promote healing and restoration so we can continue having a healthy loving relationship?  

There are definitely times when we shouldn’t say a word.  I believe the greater burden is always on the Christian who is the most mature of the two. It’s the most mature believer who should be able to forgive and love in spite of who can cover the offense without any effort or contribution from the other party.  This is usually a surefire way to victory- a guaranteed success, which is why we always desire the other party to handle it in this manner.  However, there are times when if we seek the Lord’s counsel, He may lead us to confront-in love and with gentleness.  There are times when there has been too much “covering” and confrontation is necessary.

If you have family members and have been on this earth for a fairly substantial amount of time, chances are at some point in your life you’ve experienced some sort of conflict with someone whom you deeply love.  Sadly, for many that contention is ongoing. I’m going to share something very personal because the Lord used this experience to teach me a profound lesson regarding confrontation.  I believe the other party involved would be okay with my doing so because relationally speaking this story has a happy ending.

My late mother-in-law and I shared a sweet, close, loving relationship.  When we first met she and I hit it off immediately.  Over the next twenty plus years we enjoyed a special closeness that most mother-in-law’s and daughter-in-law’s just can’t seem to obtain.  She liked me as a person before I married her son and I was the mother of her very first grandchild.  I was special to her and she made me feel like it every chance she had.  I can say we genuinely loved one another. So when she was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2013, I was in 100% agreement with my husband that she should come stay with us so she could receive treatment here in Houston at one of the most renowned cancer treatment centers in the world.  She quickly agreed and came to stay with us as soon as everything was approved. My availability as a stay at home wife and mother was perfect for my new role as caregiver.

Looking back on it all now I know neither one of us were prepared for the exhausting pace that began right out the gate on day one.  We spent our days waking up early, commuting in rush hour traffic for almost an hour, only to spend anywhere from 6 to 10 hours a day going from appointment to appointment.  It didn’t take long before it began to take a toll on us.  Before we knew it we found ourselves sinking, retreating from one another, resembling strangers instead of close relatives.  It was heavy for us both, but it was almost unbearable for her. I thought I understood the magnitude of what my mother-in-law was dealing with.  She was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer and given only a 25% chance of survival.  She would have to endure aggressive radiation treatment and chemotherapy  for a prolonged period of time.  Anyone would be able to see how this how incredibly difficult this would be for her.  I thought I knew what she was going through but one day the Lord showed me that the burden she bore was even heavier than I imagined.  It wasn’t until several months into her treatment that the Lord gave me a glimpse of the weight and the pressure she was under.  One day as I sought to comfort her she briefly opened up to me. She shared that she still couldn’t believe that she was diagnosed with cancer.  She played the day her doctor gave her the terrible news over and over again in her mind.  In addition to this she blamed herself for getting cancer.  Although she had successfully stopped smoking for over a year when she was diagnosed, she had been a smoker for the greater part of her life. She told me repeatedly she didn’t believe that she would beat it.

Her entire world had changed forever. She now had to live in Houston and spend her days keeping a rigorous schedule of multiple appointments day in and day out.  This became harder and harder as her petite frame grew weaker and weaker.  As her depression and anxiety increased, at home with us she fought to maintain some control of her life.  We had always admired her perfectionism: how it translated to delicious home-cooked meals; her professional looking perfectly wrapped gifts; and a household that was continuously well stocked with both groceries and toiletries.  At her house if you ran out of one item all you had to do is walk over to the pantry to retrieve a new one.  She loved going to the grocery store every day.  But now she was no longer in her home and her routine looked very different.  As a result, she began to look to me to take on her daily routine and fulfill her somewhat perfectionistic expectations.

At first, I was willing to answer to her beck and call even if it didn’t make sense to me or seemed unwarranted (like her habit of never letting her gas tank go below half a tank before refilling it).  But after a while due to my own exhaustion, the physical and emotional stress, and the responsibility of still having to run my household, it all eventually became too much for me.  As her primary care giver I was the one who was with her the most.  As such it followed that I was also the one who sustained the brunt of her feelings of frustration, depression, and occasionally-anger.  The most painful thing of all was not being able to cheer her up or encourage her to have a steadfast hope.  As she struggled for control, all the little things she demanded began to cause me to feel unappreciated and mistreated (although I knew that was never her intent).  My natural personality bend is to openly confront and deal with situations as they happen so as to quickly resolve them and restore the relationship.  However, every time I thought about talking to her about these “little” things I just couldn’t justify bringing up any complaints (especially ones so nominal) to someone who was facing something so enormous in her life.  I thought I absolutely had to think of her first and just die to myself so to speak.  After all isn’t that the Christ-like thing to do?

Here’s where we believers can really stumble.   We tend to do life by grabbing on to a Christian cookie cutter viewpoint of life.  We map out for ourselves what our attitudes and behaviors should be and then we apply that mold to every single situation.  In doing so we begin to develop a false sense of self-righteousness and this in turn causes us to be judgmental of others-especially when we see genuine true feelings being express that we deem to be unChrist-like. So instead of seeking Christ for the appropriate response to challenging circumstances, we determine it for ourselves based on what we believe is the right Christ-like thing to do.

This is what I did.  I remained quiet because I thought it was the right sacrificial thing to do.  All the while the resentment was slowly building for us both.  It all culminated one day when my sweet mother in law made a statement to me that was so hurtful it rendered me speechless.  To this day I still believe the chemo had something to do with it.  When I shared it with her later she didn’t even remember saying it.  And of course she apologized and I accepted.  However I’m writing about it because it was this event that the Lord used to teach me an extremely valuable lesson and ultimately heal my fractured relationship with my mother-in-law. Out of my loyalty and honor for my mother-in-law I will not repeat what she said to me.  I will say however that when those words left her lips they penetrated my soul like a hot bullet and shook me to my core.  That night as I lie in bed in a state of shock, I tried to pray but couldn’t.  I just kept repeating to myself the only scripture that came to mind-Galatians 2:20  “I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live yet not I, but Christ lives in me and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me.”  I have no idea why this was the scripture that I was able to recall but this was only one that kept coming to my mind so I kept repeating it until I finally fell asleep.  The next morning as soon as awoke the Lord met me.  I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet when HE spoke to me.

The Lord asked me if I remembered the scripture where He rebuked the Pharisees (Jesus called them a brood of vipers in Matthew 12:34 and 23:33).  Being the justice lover that I am, those scriptures always caused me to cheer the Lord on!  I admired how the Lord boldly confronted them for their self-righteousness and hypocrisy.  So yes, I remembered it.  I said “yes I remember, You really gave it to them!”  Every time I read those scriptures I always felt like the bad guys were getting what they deserved.  But then HE said to me “Did you not know that although I said that to them, I still went to the cross to die for their sins, just like I did for yours and the rest of the world?”  (I began thinking “Wow! I’ve never thought of it like that before!”).  HE said “Did I not love them just as much as I love everyone else?”  (Of course HE did! What was I thinking?!!).  Then I realized that what HE said and the manner in which He said it to them (the Pharisees) was because as God, HE knew: that was the right and appropriate thing to say; that was what needed to be said; and that’s what they needed to hear.  Through this the Lord spoke to me and showed me there’s a time for confrontation; a time when it is what’s needed.

Of course only God could know these things.  Only The Lord knows if and when we should confront. Only God can equip our spirits to do it the right way.  If we go to Him HE can and will lead us to handle what we’re facing by showing us exactly how we should. As I applied this lesson to my situation, I felt the Lord leading me to speak with my mother-in-law.  Not about anything that already happened but the next time the little offense occurred.  I was determined to obey.  I knew I could trust the Lord for her feelings because HE knew that hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do.  So the next time the opportunity presented itself I addressed the issue with the Lord’s blessing and lovingly spoke to my mother-in- law about it.  I gently explained that I couldn’t meet all her expectations so I needed her to go a little bit easier on me.  I told her how her expectations made me feel and substantiated what I was saying with a few pertinent examples.  As she processed what I was saying I also reaffirmed my love and admiration for her.

The result-our relationship significantly changed!  Our once beaten, battered, and fractured relationship was now whole, healed, and completely healthy!  During her last 3 or so months on this earth with us she and I were able to enjoy the close loving relationship we’d had shared for so many years before her illness and treatment.  She was able to consider me, appreciate me, and respect me.  I was able to enjoy her, love on her, and even occasionally spoil her by doing lots of little special things for her without her asking, whenever I could.  We began to enjoy each other’s company.  We began to laugh again.

The Lord led me to confront my mother in law and when I did, HE restored our relationship.  It was amazing! For so long I thought I was doing the Christ-like thing by dying to myself and keeping all that I was feeling to myself, but this time was I so wrong. I learned that every situation needs to be taken to Jesus for His wisdom and His strength.  I’m not saying to quickly confront.  I’m saying don’t guess what to do about something even if your approach is seemingly the right thing to do.  I’m saying go to God and He will faithfully show you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.  If HIS SPIRIT lives in you you are already equipped for whatever HE calls you to.  If HE compels you to confront its important to remember that HE will never lead you to do so out of anger and/or unforgiveness.  HE will never compromise Himself or contradict His Word.  HIS way is always the right way!

Is there a strain relationship in your life in need of restoration and healing?  Will you seek The Lord’s counsel and trust His leading?  As you seek The Lord’s counsel make sure that you always start by dealing your own heart first.  Ask God to examine your heart to make certain that it’s pure and that there’s no malice towards the other person.  Then obey God’s leading knowing that HIS love covers all!

Heart to Heart:  THE CHRISTIAN LIFE SHOULD NEVER BE ONE OF SIMPLE APPROPRIATION; IT SHOULD BE LIVED OUT IN THE CONSCIOUSNESS THAT WE’RE HIS HABITATION.