HEART TO HEART: “But Jesus said to them, “Because of the hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.” Mark 10:5

Since the end of last year I have been working on a blog post titled “JOY”, which I still intend on publishing but today I am compelled by the Holy Spirit to post this one first. Now don’t go looking at the title and assuming you know my business. 🙂 I am not considering divorcing my husband or vice versa lol. I will say I have been married for almost 30 years and it hasn’t always been easy. So you can know the person writing this has experienced both ups and downs and some serious heartaches and pains (as has my better half) and so I’m no rookie in this game. But suffice it to say I’m not writing this blog post from my own experience but rather from what the LORD showed me today in my quiet time with Him. I hope you’ll be blessed.

In Mark chapter 10 the Pharisees (that is the religious establishment of the day) wanting to test Jesus (as usual) decided to question Him about divorce. They asked Him (verse 2) “whether it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife.” Now they already knew that it was “lawful” so they probably were thinking it was a contradiction of sorts to what the LORD had established for marriage beginning in Genesis…“the two shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24 Jesus answered them by asking a question (verse 3) “what did Moses command you?” Well the Pharisees knew right well what Moses had commanded because the Law came through Moses and they were all about the law, they were legalist. So they answered him and said “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away” (verse 4). Now this is where it gets really interesting!

I’ve read these Scriptures many times but this time Jesus’ response practically lifted off of the pages for me. Notice what HE said: “because of the hardness of you heart he wrote you that commandment.” Mark 10:5 Jesus response explains the reason Moses was allowed to allow them to do so. It was because of the hardness of their hearts! This verse is the heart of what this blog post is about. Jesus went on to reiterate exactly what the LORD’s position on marriage is. HE said “But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (verses 6-9). Here Jesus quotes the Book of Genesis. (By the way when this was stated in Genesis, the Law hadn’t yet been given, remember the Law came through Moses, that is Moses was God’s chosen instrument through which HE revealed His Law). Then HE adds “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Once the two become one, they are to remain one! Herein lies God’s perfect will for marriage! But why then were they ever allowed to put their wives away? Because of the hardness of their hearts! This must mean that are hardened heart is a son of a gun! Once that heart hardens up, sin has done her bidding and the results can be heart wrenching! It’s like God is saying if you refuse to deal with your hardened hearts towards your wives, she’ll actually be better off if you’d divorce her. Now before I go deeper into this issue and before you accuse me of blasphemy, I want you to know that I am in no way condoning divorce. Furthermore, please know that I am not saying that the LORD condones divorce. Malalchi 2:16 says”God hates divorce.” In that same verse the words “violence” and “treachery” are attached to it. Divorce and its consequences can be devastating! Still it is important to note that God in His Word has allowed for conditions (that is sexual immorality) in which divorce if decided upon is acceptable (see Matt. 5:32). But even then, because of who HE is-The Forgiver of sins-HE is always willing to heal and restore the broken marriages of those in which both parties desire the same. God hates divorce but can and will still forgive the sins which led to it and whenever possible, He’s willing to restore. But get this, divorce because of sexual immorality- that’s black and white. Divorce because of a hardened heart-now we’re in the gray areas of life. This kind of divorce is a sinful divorce, it’s like a choosing of the lesser of the two evils: a man living with his wife with a hardened heart or a man rejecting and putting away his wife. Both are wrong and both or sin. Allow me to explain. First, please know that this blog post is in no way an indictment of those who have divorce in their story-for whatever reason. God knows and God offers forgiveness and healing through His Son Jesus Christ. I’m writing instead to share what I learned from Mark 10 and emphasize how important it is for us to guard our hearts!

Now back to the Scriptures! ! I believe Jesus’ response to the Pharisees is a strong indication that the command Moses was allowed to give them was never meant to supersede God’s command for marriage. Jesus told them plainly that the divorce Moses commanded only came into play because of the hardness of their hearts. As such, the hard heart is really the heart of the matter!

Once again, it is as if the LORD decided that a man staying in his marriage with an unrepentant hard heart towards his wife would be worse than him putting her away and divorcing her. It has to be at the very least just as sinful and treacherous. When a man stays with a hardened heart in his marriage, the sin remains and his wife (or vice versa) is left having to live under it’s rule and consequences (meanness, hatefulness, abandonment and neglect). In essence it is like a divorce-separating one’s heart from the other, in which one remains physically. The other is left living life on their spouse’s terms-dreaming and desiring to have a marriage as it should be and always trying to maintain a sense of hope of what it one day it could be.

As I read these verses in Mark I couldn’t help but notice that Jesus could have said more to the Pharisees about this matter. I know this because it is in fact exactly what he did when the disciples asked him more about it in Mark 10: 10-12. Why is it that Jesus didn’t go on to tell the Pharisees what He later told His disciples about marriage and divorce? Well, it’s probably the same reason He allowed Moses to allow them to put their wives away-because of the hardness of their hearts. And of course we can’t forget those wrong motives which were springing out of their hardened hearts. See, the Pharisees were never interested in truly understanding this issue-they simply wanted to try to test Jesus. So He didn’t bother to explain it any further, and they missed out on the chance to know and understand the heart of God as it relates to marriage.

Verses 10-12 reveal that there’s more to it! It says “in the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again.” (By the way when you walk with God, know it’s always okay to ask Him your questions. He wants you to know and understand the truth)! Jesus responded to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” Wow! Now I get it! You see the LORD’s way is always perfect and right. The LORD’s way keeps us from sinning, and as such it keeps us from the consequence of sin. Wait I’m getting ahead of myself here. I hope you already get this but just in case let me explain.

These verses explain that God has never moved from His position of hating divorce or His perspective that when two people marry, they become one. And in HIS eyes, except for sexual sin (which I believe is because it breaks the covenant of marriage), the two still remain one-even if one lawfully puts away his wife because of the hardness of his heart! So if they were to put away their wives because of the hardness of their hearts-because they just couldn’t stand to be with them any more, they also had better remain single and never entered into another relationship again because the moment they did they began committing adultery!

Whew chile! This is no contradiction folks! Jesus has made it clear God’s perfect will and plan for the institution of marriage! By both quoting Genesis to the Pharisees and going on to explain to the disciples the ramifications of putting one’s wife away for an whatever reason a hard heart has contrived, Jesus has reaffirmed God’s stand on marriage and divorce!

This is so deep and profound and once again it points to the fact that God is never pleased with action alone but rather HE’s always about the condition of the heart. Wow! God knows without a change of heart, nothing really changes at all.  

Okay I have to reiterate, just for emphasis because once again I believe this is profound! It’s as if the Lord is saying if you’re going to stay in a marriage but resign to keeping your wrong heart, you might as well leave. In a sense it’s just as bad. But (and this is a Big But) if you do leave, know that your sin of choosing divorce is only going to lead to even more sin. Sin left undealt with-always begets more sin.

Sin is sneaky and deceitful. In fact it often cleverly hides behind a righteous act, even deceiving the very one who believes he is doing the right thing. That’s because a right action without a right heart is never really right. A wrong heart corrupts that which has been done with the best of intentions. Just think of it. Consider the committed Christian spouse who on one hand agrees with God about divorce but on the other has allowed their heart to despise their spouse. He or she will remain in the marriage, perhaps even trying their best to disguise their unhappiness and misery, accepting and surrendering to their lot of suffering, refusing to acknowledge and take the sinfulness of their own heart towards their spouse to the LORD for the healing and restoration of their heart and their relationship. He or she will blindly believe they are pleasing God by staying, resigned to never loving their spouse the way the LORD desires for them to do so. It’s a farce! And it is a sinful heart that deceives them into thinking that the sacrifice of staying is enough, that as long as the marriage survives, they’ve done their part. You see how stubborn we are as human beings! We are willing to go through great measures outwardly-just leave our hearts out of it!

Think about it and think about how we are all guilty of trusting in the Lord halfheartedly in the things closest to our hearts. When it comes to matters of the heart we like to be in control.

How many marriages do you know like that? How many times have you experience the distance a wrong heart has created in your own marriage? It’s funny how we can think we’re choosing obedience to God and believe we are doing the right thing in our actions and yet willingly keep our hearts far from Jesus in the matter. Seriously, the heart wants what the heart wants and believe me it will find a way to justify what it wants. It will also be willing to compromise under the disguise of sacrificial love to refrain from really loving at all. It can be complicated right?! I mean certainly the God who is able to save the marriage is also able to sanctify the marriage! So the victory lies in dealing with the heart at even the slightest inclination of the development of a sinful heart attitude. We must walk in faith in such a way that we are examining our hearts daily so as to not give any ground to the devil. For once we are in the throes of battle in our marriages, we won’t want our hearts to be changed, all we will care about is winning. Unfortunately for some it won’t matter if their spouse waves the white flag of surrender and reveal a heart that has done a complete 360 degree turn around. The heart will have so hardened there will be nothing the other person can do to influence it or change it. And so Jesus permitted Moses to allow those with that kind of heart to divorce. But they were never to marry another.

A sinful heart is always the root of the problem. This kind of heart will almost always allow feelings to have the greater priority. This kind of heart can go its own way and divorce never looking back and it’s ALSO the kind of heart can physically stay with a heart that intends on keeping itself as far away as possible from their spouse. It’s the kind of heart that will stay in the marriage but will say to itself “I will stay but I refuse to truly forgive you;” “I will stay but I refuse to love you;” “I will stay and even love you somewhat, but I will refuse to like you;” or “I will stay but refuse to love you the way you have communicated to me how you need to be loved.” All of this is sin! It’s the kind of heart that may consider the other person and may consider God, BUT it will still pick and choose for itself what its willing to do, and what it can and cannot live with.

The LORD said “the two shall become one.” Oneness isn’t simply relegated to a physical state. No, oneness has to do with intimacy-connection of the soul. So to remain physically, all the while separating, distancing, and divorcing from one’s spouse is actually quite ridiculous because a serious breach has occurred.

Make no mistake about it, the LORD is sensitive to what we deal with and how very weak we can be. But HE also knows what can be in and through HIM. The LORD died to deliver us from the wages of sin. We have to realize when we have allowed ourselves to get to the place where we’re either considering divorce or deciding to refrain from truly loving our spouses, sin has already gotten a hold of our hearts in a very real way. And that’s the reason why at this point, even as Christians, it can be hard to even care about sinning against God when it comes to our marriages. The epitome of a hardened heart is a heart that no longer considers God.

Often times in troubled marriages one rarely decides both to stay and submit their heart fully to God. As I’ve already emphatically stated one may in fact think that the act of staying is the act of obeying. And it is in part-but only in part. But without the heart being changed, the so-called “change of heart” to remain and stay put, is only superficial at best.

Now if you’re in love do you want only 10% or 20% of the other person’s love? What about 80% or 90%? I’m sure you’d say “no, I want 100%!” Well its the same for the LORD, He wants 100% of our hearts.

So what is one to do when the marriage has changed because a spouse has changed? What is one to do when it seems the love is no longer there? What is one to do when the marriage has become dull and lifeless? Is divorce the answer then? Is divorce their only hope? I can confidently say based on the authority of God’s Word that the answer is NO! The LORD hates divorce! And the LORD does not approve of hard hearts either! So commit to not divorcing AND commit to maintaining a loving heart towards your spouse!

I leave you with this: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands are to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself……and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5: 25-33

Let’s each do our part and show the world what a marriage based on the foundation of Christ Jesus Himself can be! Healed, Restored, Victorious, Blessed, Fruitful, Powerful!

HEART TO HEART: LOVING JESUS WITH ALL OF OUR HEART WILL KEEP US FROM DEVELOPING A HARDENED HEART TOWARDS OTHERS.