HEART MATTERS

“For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.”  Galatians 1:10

“Can we all just get along?” This was Rodney King’s plea of frustration in response to all the racial upheaval which occurred after someone filmed the police severely beating him during a supposedly arrest attempt. “Can we all just get along?” It’s also the heart cry of all those who find themselves in bondage to a people pleasing personality bend.  I know because I used to be one of those people.  Are you a people pleaser?  I believe people find themselves entrapped to this behavior for many different reasons: a naturally sweet disposition; a dysfunctional family upbringing; strong insecurities; low self esteem; a need to control, etc.  People pleasing could result from any number of reasons because it’s a sort of tailor made, individualized, ailment. I think one of the main reasons I became one was because of my mother’s pain. She was the black sheep of her family and so I think I tried to overcompensate for the areas that were lacking in her life. Even as a little girl I desperately hoped to make and keep her happy. Why would I take on such a task? Because seeing her happy made me happy.  Seeing her happy freed me to be happy.  I remember seeing her pain over her relationship with her own mother and thinking I didn’t like seeing my mom so sad because when she was sad it caused me to feel sad.  I truly believe that’s when it all began for me.  But also I think it (my people pleasing nature) eventually evolved into something more.  My weakness of needing to please others grew into a sort of manipulation tactic as I realized it allowed me to attain the peace I so greatly desired-even if it was only for a little while.  I grew up in a close community of family.  My grandmother and her sisters all bought houses within walking distance of each other.  My mom and her sister did the same. I quickly learned that if I acted sweet and agreeable with my elders, they’d be pleased with me. My submission and obedience would cause them to smile, to be happy, and overall, it would make them like me.  As a result sometimes I’d even be rewarded with a nice compliment (words of affirmation is still my love language) or better yet a piece of candy.  My people pleasing most times yielded a false sense of euphoria for me and so I embraced it and allowed it to become a major part of my character.  At the time I didn’t know the price I’d pay for it in the future. As a child my propensity for people pleasing seemed to be an asset.  But as an adult I’d soon learn it’s a deficit instead.  People pleasing always causes problems in the end.  Disguised as a representative of peace and resolution, in reality, it’s more of a catalyst for contention and resentment.  So believers be warned.  There’s no room for people pleasing in the economy of God!  People pleasing will come into direct conflict with the call of God on your life.

I was surprised when I asked a close friend how she would describe me.  The word “sweet” never came up! lol.  Well I really thought others thought of me as being a sweet person. Hey, I still think I am a sweet person (most times).  However I realize what I was thinking of as sweetness was actually that part of me which actively sought to please others. You see the subtle difference?  Being a people pleaser can easily come across to others as niceness, sweetness, and kindness.  It can even convince the people pleasing person that they themselves are all those admirable descriptions. However, in all actuality the motive for being a people pleaser is normally a self-centered one.  The people pleaser is looking for something in return, whether it be: peace, affirmation, to be liked, highly esteemed, adored or accepted; superior status, or control. Remember motive is everything because it comes from the heart.  Something that seems to be admirable in and of itself can be way more complex when the true motive is exposed.  The Lord wants His children to always operate out of right motives.  How do we accomplish this?  By making sure our motive is to always be pleasing to HIM.  When people pleasing is involved our attention and dedication becomes divided.  “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.”  Matthew 6:24  (Here the Lord is speaking about riches but you get the principle).

When Christians seek to please others it will eventually come into direct conflict with their call to please God.  This is especially true when it comes to service and ministry.  Have you ever had to pray out loud with a group of other believers?  If you have just a tad bit of the people pleasing gene in you I’m sure there was a part of you thinking ahead how to pray so that those listening would agree with or admire the way you prayed.  It takes a bit of concentration and a lot of “I don’t give a hoot about what others think of me” in order to pray sincerely in those situations.  When we serve God and minister to others for God we have to be strong enough to suffocate potential public opinion and stand confidently firm in The Lord.  “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.”  Matthew 12:25  When we’re walking in obedience to God we are operating in one accord with Him.  The minute we shift our attention to others we in a sense allow our house to become divided. 

I recently experienced such a situation in my life.  I was faced with an important decision which I prayed fervently about.  The message the Lord flooded my heart with every single time and almost continuously was for me to be still.  But what made my circumstances even harder was the fact that “being still” didn’t at the time seem like the Christ-like thing to do.  So not only was I having to say no, I was having to say no to some who’d believe that my doing so was the opposite of what my faith would encourage and promote.  My obeying God in this matter would cost me to lose respect, admiration, and worse yet cause me to be susceptible to harsh judgement. But I was determined to obey God.  I had to settle the matter in my heart.  I did so by reminding myself that God is my only judge.  He knew my heart-that I was willing to do whatever He wanted me to do no matter the level of the sacrifice involved.  I realized although many were disappointed and dismayed by my decision (the one the Lord led me to) it was okay because my obedience pleased my LORD. I knew I could trust Him with the entire situation.  I can’t go into great detail but I can say that He has confirmed what He put on my heart and He is graciously taking care of everything and everyone involved.

Have you ever thought…..what if Moses was a people pleaser?  If he were perhaps he would have never led his people out of Egypt. He might have decided follow the ways of Pharaoh’s daughter and assimilated into the Egyptian culture.  Let’s say he wasn’t interested in pleasing the Egyptians because he was all about his people, but he when it came to them he was a people pleaser.  Perhaps then he would have taken them all out of the wilderness and back to Egypt as soon as they began to complain about the things they missed about “home”.  What about Abraham?  If Abraham was a people pleaser would he had ever left his home to journey out to a land he knew not in obedience to God’s command?  If Noah was a people pleaser would he have finished building the Ark to preserve and protect his family from something they had not yet seen?  If Job was a people pleaser would he have continued in his call or would he have “cursed God and died” like his wife suggested? What about Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-Nego?  If they we’re people pleasers they might have bowed down to the graven imagine.  What about Daniel? If he was given to pleasing the masses he might have refrained from his daily habit of bowing down to worship the One True God.  What about all the other heroes of the faith?  What about the apostles?  Can you imagine the apostle Paul being a people pleaser?  No way!

I believe we all have occasions where we find ourselves fearing man and feeling tempted to compromise in some way.  Sometimes we do in fact fall and unfortunately find ourselves breaking under the pressure of the situation into which we’ve been abruptly thrown. Remember the time Paul said he confronted Peter to his face for being willing to eat with the Gentiles when the Jews weren’t around but abandoning them when the Jews came? (Galatians 2:11-16) See….. Peter had a moment.  But being a people pleaser is deeper than an occasional lapse of judgement.  It’s more like a disease that permeates the soul, robbing it of peace every chance it gets.  Because we can’t please all the people all of the time, people pleasing causes conflict, confusion, and chaos, especially for the poor person who hosts it.  But don’t worry-there’s hope!  I hope by now you know that there’s not an ailment you can have that God can’t handle.  I can tell you from experience that if you’ve been crippled by this weakness eventually the Lord is going to insist you throw down your crutches and walk away. Don’t worry though- He’s not going to ask you to do it alone.  No, like always the Lord will be there to help you out.  He’s going to extend His hand and encourage you to grab it tightly so He can lead you forward. The Lord is able to deliver us from people pleasing!  I know because He did it for me!  If after reading this blog you recognize that this is indeed an issue in your life, take it to Jesus.  Ask Him to help you to turn from being focused on pleasing others (/pleasing self) and turn your heart to pleasing HIM first and foremost.  He is able!

PLEASING HIM

“But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts. For neither at any time did we use flattering words, as you know, nor a cloak for covetousness-God is witness. Nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, when we might have made demands as apostles of Christ.” 1st Thessalonians 2:4-7

“Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him.  For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.”  2nd Corinth 5:9-10

“that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;”  Colossians 1:10

“Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.  Hebrews 13:20-21

HEART TO HEART: PURGE THE PEOPLE PLEASING SO YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH THE PURPOSES OF GOD