HEART TO HEART

“We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification. For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me.”  Romans 15: 1-3

Have you ever asked someone for forgiveness who you really felt should be asking you to forgive them? Many times my girlfriends will confide in me regarding some ongoing dispute or disagreement their having with a loved one.  I can’t tell you how many times I hear them despairingly say “but why do I always have to be the bigger person!” Unfortunately this is an ongoing reoccurring theme especially with my married friends. When it comes to conflict resolution with their spouses, they grow weary of always being the one who’s willing to humble themselves in an effort to make up.  Whether they’re speaking to me to simply vent or seeking godly advice, when I give my spiritual two cents, their response is always the same.  In exasperation they cry out “why am I always the one who has to be the bigger person?” or “I’m tired of always having to be the bigger person”.  Complaints about: always being the one who has to examine her heart; always being the one who has to own and confess her part in the wrongdoing; and always being the one who asks for forgiveness first. They want to know why they always have to be the ones who takes the first step (and the majority of the steps) to keep the peace.

Soooo, let’s talk about it!  Why you do you have to be the bigger person you ask? Weelll…..because you asked!  The very fact that you’re tired of having to be the bigger person declares that you’re once again willing to be the bigger person. The fact that you’re concerned about restoration, the fact you’re willing to confess and own your part, the fact that you want resolution, AND the fact that you’re willing to humble yourself in order to be reconciled-all testifies to the fact that His Spirit lives in you! The reason you want to know why you have to be, is because you are called to be!

The more spiritually mature person is always called to be the bigger person because they’re more capable of being the bigger person. Why? Because The Biggest Person Ever Jesus Christ lives inside of you! Get it?!  Okay so I know, it’s not fair!  After all, how many times are we the bigger person hoping it’ll spurn the other person to own his part to no avail?!  But get this-every time you are the bigger person you glorify the ONE who makes it possible for you to be so.  Every time you’re the bigger person you’re ripping up the ground the enemy gained through the sinfulness contained in the conflict.  Every time you obey the Lord’s leading and take the action necessary to make peace you will be blessed! “Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God.”  Matthew 5:9

Besides, being the bigger person also helps others see the “bigger picture”.  “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.” John 10:10a  The devil can take one argument, one disagreement, one offense and wreck and entire relationship.  He uses unresolved conflict and unconfessed sins to slowly build a sturdy wall of insensitivity, resentment, or worse yet, apathy, in the hearts of those involved. The Bible says we are to be “wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” Matthew 10:16b  Since conflict is a part of life, if we’re to be successful in our relationships we need to be willing to do our part to make sure they flourish and grow. The love and forgiveness extended through the “bigger person” can go a long way in bringing about the healing needed for reconciliation.

I’ve been married for almost 28 years now and although my husband and I are still in love and have a good relationship I’m convinced the challenges of marriage is one of the main vehicles the Lord uses to refine and transform us into the image of His Son.  I’ll never forget hearing Dr. Tony Evans explain how a man can be when it comes to his ego. He explained that a man is just as intent on holding on to and protecting his ego as a women is about the acknowledgment of her emotions.  Say what?!  I couldn’t believe it!  So a man has something dear and innate to the core of who he is that he will go to battle over to protect! His ego is to him what our emotions are to us?!  I’m still processing it.  How could that be?! Isn’t his ego the enemy to our emotions?  Isn’t his ego the thing that stops him from being sensitive to our emotions? Why would God allow that to happen? I mean I think we women should have our emotions but a man’s ego has got to go!  Okay I’m kidding-well sort of. I’m sure a man’s ego is part of what makes him manly.  There are some good things that come out of it, like for instance his role as protector and provider.  But just like anything, including our emotions, when that sin nature gets involved things get convoluted and contorted. I don’t know about you but I can really insist on my emotions being both acknowledged and affirmed! However, we must  remember what the devil means for evil, God can work together for our good (Romans 8:28).  He can use the conflict created by our differences to develop us deeper spiritually.  So how does a stubborn, prideful, ego ever work cohesively with our sensitive, delicate, emotions?  Only when both parties are willing to take their eyes off themselves and what they think they need and consider what the other person needs to be more important. It only works when we are willing to sacrifice what’s important to us for the sake of our loved ones. It works when there is a strong sacrificial kind of love at work. Sounds familiar?  Yes! I’m talking about the love of Christ!

When dealing with others we must remember how Jesus Christ handles us: with grace; with love; He offers redemption, forgiveness and eternal life.  Why? Because we deserve it? No! We deserve the opposite!  It’s because HE loves us (John 3:16).  While we can’t offer all those things to others, by our love, we can point them to the One who can.  When we’re the bigger person we are giving people a taste of who Christ is!  Well what about if the other person IS a Christian already?  Then we get to show them how they too can allow the love of Christ to take over and flow in and through them.

Trust me I am not saying we’re to become a door mat for all who would walk and trample all over us. Although Jesus willingly laid down His life for us, our Lord was never anyone’s door mat. HE remained true to Himself (pure, perfect, sinless and holy) and still did the most incredibly selfless act of all time: HE DIED FOR US!  As believers, we can die to ourselves for the sake of others without allowing them to wreck us. We can do so because our peace, our confidence, and our security comes from our identity in Christ-and not from others. “What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us.” Romans 8:31  We have to also remember that every time we lay down our own interests and hearts desires for someone else, God sees it and He will reward it.

In conclusion, just so you know I’m not speaking exclusively regarding marriage, I’ll share an example of what this looked like in my life several years ago.  While living in Calgary, AB Canada, I decided to take several French classes.  In one of my classes I quickly became close to a feisty German lady who was about 15 years my senior. Whenever I’d miss a class she’d call me to let me know what they covered and what the assignment was.  I’d do the same for her which was rare because she was an extremely committed and disciplined type of person.  Eventually several of us would have lunch together after class.  On one particular occasion The LORD opened the door and gave myself and another young lady who also attended my church an opportunity to share the Gospel with our classmates. As we shared I could see my spunky little friend physically squirming in her seat.  The next day in class her countenance had completely changed towards me.  The classes following confirmed my conclusion that she had taken offense to us sharing the Gospel with her. She no longer had even two words to say to me and when I finally missed class I never received a call from her.  I remember feeling hurt because like I said we had a sweet bond but the Lord quickly reminded me that the reason why she changed towards me was worth the consequences-even if she never spoke to me again.  The Lord encouraged my heart so as to prevent me from showing my disappoint to her and treating her the way she was treating me.  He led me to act exactly the same as I’d always been with her.  I spoke to her but respected her space.  When she missed class I called to check on her and to give her the lesson she missed.  One day as she was leaving class headed towards her car I felt led to reach out to her.  I asked her what she had planned for the rest of the day. I guess my decision not to dismiss her like she had done to me had broken through because she stopped to share her agenda for the day with me. She told me she planned to take all the wood from her old fence to the junkyard because the contractor who replaced her fence had just left it all there.  My friend was a petite woman not even 5 feet tall.  She lived alone and didn’t have a single family member who lived in the city.  When I told her I’d help the look on her face was priceless.  She was astonished!  That offer must have released whatever hardness was left on her heart.  She took me up on my offer and we got to work. And work we did!  We worked the entire day loading both her car and my van with big heavy planks of her old wooden fence.  We had to drive at a speed of about 10 miles an hour to the junkyard.  Once there we had to unload everything by ourselves.  It truly was work for several men and yet the Lord allowed us to accomplish it together. The Lord allowed me to be the “bigger person” and in doing so my friend was able to see the love and forgiveness of Christ in and through me.  We continued our friendship and I had several opportunities to share with her through both words and action.  She never prayed with me to accept the Lord but she was able to receive spiritual truth from me without being offended.  I could tell she was taking it in and pondering what I was saying.  I know the Lord used me to plant seeds and maybe even water them a little bit in her precious life.

Being the bigger person means you’re able to operate out of a place of strength and not weakness, out of confidence and not insecurity, out of hope and not despair. Being the bigger person allows you to glorify and please God.  Be led by His Spirit and filled with His love so He can use you to accomplish some really BIG things for Him!

HEART TO HEART: BEING THE BIGGER PERSON DOESN’T MAKE YOU A LOSER-INSTEAD IT CREATES A WIN/WIN SITUATION FOR YOU.