Heart Matters                                                                                                             “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

I’m back!  My hiatus is over and I’m ready to pour out in ink what The Holy Spirit pours into my heart! So much has happened this year, great things (if I shared them with you, you might just think I was bragging).  Suffice it to say 2018 thus far has been a year of reaping for me, in more ways than one!  It’s also been a year of serving and pouring out, which is why it took me a bit to get back to my blog.  I’m not a natural writer, in fact writing oftentimes is a little bit of a painful process for me.  Which I why I never post anything which I feel wasn’t written through the power and equipping of the Holy Spirit. My passion is to share with others (women), what the Lord has shared with me.  During my time off from posting I wrote at least 4 different blogs, but I just didn’t feel led by the Holy Spirit to release them-they were too difficult to write and they didn’t flow-when HE is in it I can tell.

During my break from blogging of course the enemy jumped right in there too, reminding me of my limited audience, whispering how it wouldn’t matter  anyway-because not many are reading and hardly anyone leaves any comments. (Words of affirmation is my love language-just saying). The devil always makes his appeals to the flesh because it’s weak and vulnerable especially during times of conflict and confusion. But my spirit knows better. I truly believe keeping and writing this blog is worth it if the LORD only uses it to richly affect and encourage the life of just one for Christ. So once again-I’m all in!

I thought I’d start by sharing with you how despite my many blessings this year and notably some very incredible spiritual victories, something very significant seemed to had gone missing from my soul. It was as though my mind knew how I should be feeling (because of all my recent blessings including incredible spiritual growth), but somehow the message didn’t fully make it to my soul and I was left confused trying to figure it out and reconcile the discrepancy.  It wasn’t long before I began to see the results of my inner struggle manifesting itself in my outward behavior.  I became short, easily frustrated and struggling not to just sink into a great big rut.  I was so miserable in fact, one day in an effort to make light of it and filter it through my weird sense of humor, I was tempted to post the following on Instagram:  “I’m not sure if I’m depressed because I’m so lazy, or if  I’m so lazy because I’m depressed.”  🙂 

 Although this is a sure exaggeration something about it sums up the sentiments of what I was experiencing over these last few months (or more).  While I’m not proud of my very real struggle with laziness at times, the truth is my all or nothing fleshly ways have a way of catapulting me into a spiritual rut. (Shout out to Damaris Carbaugh who had the boldness to actually confess and own her own struggle with laziness in the past. You inspire me!). I guess you would have to know me-my personality, my sense of humor, my foolishness-in order to be able to extract the right measure of truth out of the above statement.  Which is by the way the reason I chose not to post it.  I thought those who don’t know me well enough may get the wrong impression and in turn misinterpret my warped sense of humor and thereby develop a real concern for the state of my mental health (lol).

However since I did take the risk and go there in this blog post I want to say I in no way wish to undermine the very real struggle that some of my sisters out there are experiencing with a  deep and debilitating depression.  If you knew me you’d know that part of my sense of humor is the usage of exaggeration.  However, please forgive me if you find it offensive in any way. it is not my intent to do so.  Know that my heart goes out to you and I’m praying for all those who would read this who are battling depression.  Please remember David said “if I go to the depths YOU are there,….even if I make my bed in hell, YOU are there.”  JESUS is there, right there with you to guide you through even if its one step at a time.

So even though I used the word depression and perhaps it was that on a very small scale, what I recently experienced was more like a numbness.  Although I was happy to some extent and enjoying the fullness of the blessings in my life, right along with those emotions was the acute awareness that something was amiss. After some time of trying my hardest to dismiss it, to convince myself it must be my hormones, or to believe that it was a fluke which would quickly pass, when it remained, I knew I really needed to seek the LORD hard about this thing.

I just couldn’t understand why there would be such a dry spot in my soul when I was being drenched in favor.  Why would I feel such a profound sense of defeat when I had recently become victorious in a major area of my life’s struggle?  What the mess?!

It just didn’t make sense!  That is, not until months later when the Holy Spirit graciously decided to break it down for me.  It was on a road trip when the Lord showed me that the reason I had that sadness in my soul was because when I finally let go of trying to change others myself (this was a major spiritual victory for me) and instead simply trust God, I also gave up on my desires-I lost hope. When I surrendered and decided to cease striving, I also tossed out the hope of seeing the change I so badly wanted ever coming to fruition. My all or nothing attitude translated in my surrender to God, as also my surrendering of the thought that I would ever receive a deep desire of my heart-one I had been praying and fighting for for many years-being fulfilled.  I was surrendering it to God but I trusted myself for it more.

It was if the LORD said to me “although you moved forward in deciding to trust ME, your trust became one dimensional, a resignation of sorts, a decision to trust ME by accepting things for the way they were without any hope for the future.”  When I threw in the towel of influence and control, and my misguided belief in the power of my own words, I also threw out my hopes and dreams and one of the greatest desires of my heart.  And that’s where I went severely wrong, that’s when my soul became seriously affected.

I had more hope in my perceived ability to influence and convince through my own words and actions than I did in The LORD’s will. I guess in an effort to self-protect, I assumed the worse, that God may never answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to.  I knew surrender meant I had to be alright with that.  However, now that I’m able to see the error of my ways, I realize I was unconsciously still trying to execute control by deciding which direction the Lord would mostly likely take.  You see God could in fact decide to give me my hearts desire in this thing, and who was I to say that HE wouldn’t just because He hasn’t up until now?

Oh my goodness!  How silly of me to get to a place of complete surrender but in exchange offer a halfhearted trust. As I insisted on holding on to some measure of control by determining for myself what the outcome would be if I trusted God, (get this) I was idolizing my own ill-perceived strength and imagined ability.  I idolized my willingness and ability to fight for what I believed to be right.  I idolized my tenacity, my insistence, my boldness,….my rebellion.  I idolized myself and even when I decided to stop trusting myself, I determined for myself the conditions of trusting God.  Oh woe is me…but God!

The LORD will never leave us to our ignorance and arrogance without correction and rebuke.  He loves us too much to do so.  I’m thankful.  The peace that fled my soul was the red flag that I was out of order.

Now the LORD has something to say about trusting man. Trusting man refers to trusting humanity.  Normally when we read this we think about trusting others. However, as you read the following Scriptures, consider this: Sometimes “trusting man” can mean for us women, trusting ourselves. Today I challenge you to examine your own hearts to see how  you’ve been trusting in yourselves: your own effort, your own abilities, your own mechanisms to manipulate and influence.  Remember God doesn’t need us to do anything to accomplish His Will.

This is what the LORD has to say about trusting in man instead of HIM:

• “This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the LORD.  That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes.  They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.  But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are  always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”  Jeremiah 17:5-8
• “It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans.”   Psalm 118:8
• “Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.  When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD their God.”   Psalm 146:3-5
• “Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe.”   Proverbs 28:26
• “This is the fate of those who trust in themselves, and of their followers, who approve their sayings.  They are like sheep and are destined to die; death will be their shepherd (but the upright will prevail over them in the morning).  Their forms will decay in the grave, far from their princely mansions.”   Psalm 49:13-14                  

As you can see this is serious business!  The LORD does not want us trusting in anything or anyone but HIM….not even ourselves.  Rightfully so, for He is the only One who can deliver.  Jesus is the only One who can deliver answered prayers.  He is the only One who can deliver peace in the midst of a storm.  He is the only One who can deliver us from ourselves. He is the only One who can assure us that it’s okay to surrender completely and still trust Him fully.

HE is the only One who is always there and always for us working all things together for our good (Romans 8:28).  JESUS IS THE ONLY ONE WHO SAVES.

David said:

• “Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in His holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from God their Savior.  Such is the generation of those who seek Him, who seek your face, God of Jacob.”   Psalm 24: 3-6

Have you thought about all the things you thought you had given over to the Lord yet still continue to try to manipulate and control?  Have you considered the areas where you have surrendered your will to the Lord but have been dealing with an emptiness ever since because right along with it, you have also surrendered all of your hopes and dreams? Have you ever stopped to consider that you find it more comfortable and pleasing to trust in your own tactics then in resting, trusting while continuing to hope in the LORD? I must warn you that we tend to the think the best about ourselves and this is an area where we also can greatly deceive ourselves.

We must realize that even when we surrender we can do so in ignorance.  Even when we wave the white flag of surrender to our Lord and decide to trust Him, many times in doing so we “throw out the baby out with the bath water” so to speak.  The LORD doesn’t want surrender spoiled by halfhearted trust, He wants complete abandonment! He wants us to trust Him for all of it while still fully hoping for the best.

Surrender to God and acceptance of His perfect will doesn’t mean we are to give up hoping or bury our desires that are godly and sincere.  The LORD wants to show you His goodness, HE wants you to experience His power, He desires to bless you.  But there are many components to each of our individual lives and our Master Designer is working it all together for our good.  We can know this especially when we have purposed to walk through our difficulties and challenges by trusting Him.  So surrender your all to Jesus? YES! Align your heart to desire whatever His plans, purposes, His perfect will for your life? ABSOLUTELY! Relinquish the desires of your heart completely to Jesus? DEFINITELY! Only as you do, continue to hope because:

“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.” 1st Corinthians 13:13a

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”  Hebrews 11:6

“But those who wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”    Isaiah 40:31

“Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:5

HEART TO HEART:  COMPLETE SURRENDER CONTINUES TO TRUST HIM COMPLETELY