Heart Matters

“My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the LORD loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives.”  Hebrews 12:5-6

Tough Love can be defined as “promotion of someone’s welfare through strong constraints (and boundaries) which will lead them to take or face the responsibility for their wrong actions.”  The urban dictionary says it’s the process of “being cruel to be kind.”  Tough love is doing what’s necessary for a person we love even when that person won’t like or welcome it. It’s doing what’s best in spite of how difficult it is for us or how devastating it seems for our loved one.  I have to note this “tough love” subject is one I’m probably not all that qualified to write about. However, since I feel the Holy Spirit leading me to have a go at it, I’m jumping in.  I have to start by acknowledging that my experiences with having to stretch myself and exercise tough love have been few and far in between.  What I’ve dealt with I’m sure couldn’t compare with the life experiences of some which have called for them to either step up and incorporate tough love or continue enabling and abetting their loved one’s destructive behavior.  I’m talking about those who have had to struggle with properly loving a person given over to addiction, criminal behavior, or succumbing to the bondage of any irrational emotion or habit which has crippled, disabled, or robbed them of a fruitful life.  For those of you who have had to watch helplessly as someone you loved purposefully embraced the very thing that has wreck their lives, I’m in no way pretending to know the extend of your pain. But God knows.

I”m approaching this subject because I believe it’s one worth examining in light of the Scriptures.  I’m of the opinion that at times, tough love is indeed an important component of the complexity of being able to exercise true love for another person. How can I say this? Because I believe the LORD Himself practices tough love with His children when He feels the time calls for it.  The Scripture above makes it clear that the Lord loves us enough to correct and chasten us when He knows it’s the very thing we need.  Did you notice some of the words in the passage above?  It describes being chastened by the Lord as being “rebuked”, and “scourged”.  As verse 11 states it doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of such actions-it’s “painful”, however it always has a purpose attached. I love how the writer of Hebrew expounds on this principle.  He says that when God chastens us it’s much better than when our human fathers do.  For they chastened us for “just a few days and as it seemed best for them”-but the Lord, when He chastens us, it’s always for our “own profit”-that we may be partakers of His holiness.”  God’s chastening at times can indeed be a form of tough love.  Although it may take a while to bring about the desired results and it definitely won’t feel good, we can rest assured that it will always be in our best interest.

So the question becomes, when it’s time for us to exercise tough love, will it look like the fathers mentioned in Hebrews 12-will it be a slight tap on the wrist to appease our own anger or disgust?  Or will we exercise it in wisdom-in the strength and the power of The Holy Spirit Who lives inside every believer, equipping us to do His good will?  There are somethings in life that are just too sensitive and delicate to leave to the operation of the flesh. When we are faced with the difficult decision of having to remove the blessings, privileges, and sometimes even necessities we’ve afforded to someone we love, we need to make sure we’re relying on God’s constant guidance and strength in order to do so.  The Lord is the One who will tell us the right time to exercise tough love and the right temperament in which to extend it. It’s not just about being able to do the hard things needed in regards to someone we love, it’s about also being able to simultaneously extend all of the other beautiful characteristics of love along with it-the way the Lord does when He has to get tough with us. If the LORD chastens those whom HE loves, we can know that tough love (if done with the right heart and in the right spirit) can be an act of true love.

When The Lord decides to exercise tough love with us, it’s always in perfect harmony with His unconditional agape love for us.  The hand that holds the rod is also full of love, mercy, and grace.  Since His love for us is continuously perfect, His tough love doesn’t reduce or rule out all the other components (the ones we like) of His love for us.  Whenever the Lord gets tough with us, we can know that it is right, and just, and good. God loves His children enough to do the hard things.  Another important point to remember is that The Lord never exercises tough love in order to control us, but rather, He uses it to convince us that it’s time to change. The Lord will never sit idly by while his children choose to rebel and wreck themselves (and others).  While it’s true that He is long-suffering, (He always allows room for repentance) it’s also true that there will come a time as we continue in our sin that He’ll come down for us so to speak and begin to break us up.  I’m new to social media but I’ve already noticed on Instagram the saying in regards to the Lord “Won’t He Do It?!” The answer is yes He will! The LORD is more concerned with sanctifying us than with satisfying us!

I believe tough love is never harder than when it involves a parent/child relationship. Thankfully, our Father knows all about it!  We have such a powerful love for our kids we want nothing more than to just pour out blessings upon blessings upon them.  We want the best for them-purpose, provision, and spiritual prosperity.  We want them to experience all the good things life has to offer.  This desire of wanting those we love to have the best of everything is a universal characteristic of love.  It’s easy to spoil those we love.  But giving everything to those we love is not always what’s best for them.  It’s especially not appropriate when our kids begin surrendering to wrong and reckless behavior.  Does it ever make sense to reward rebellion?  I’m sure most would agree that it doesn’t.  And yet as parents we have the tendency to do it over and over again.  Why?  Well this is where it can be a little bit complex, but I think it has to do with our own selfishness. You see one of the reasons we love blessings our kids is because of how much it blesses us! Because we too are flawed, often times we give to them because of what we get in return. Food for thought. But hopefully that’s just a small component of it.  Overall, there’s just no way around it, loving our kids means that when they suffer, we suffer too.  But this is where the wisdom of God has to come in.  Is it not wise to sacrifice and suffer now to help save them out of their wiles than to continue to passively partake of behavior and attitudes that can negatively affect their lives?  Is not wise to exercise tough love and incur all that comes with it-the rejection of our kids, the constant reminders of their displeasure, and even increased rebellion for a period, rather than remain their friend and risk their futures?

When my oldest became a teenager and began rebelling I remember telling him “just behave so that I can bless you!”  I hated that I had to give him consequences for his wrong choices.  When he suffered, even if it was because of his own doing, my heart suffered too. I often had to pray and ask the Lord to strengthen me because I never felt more weak and cowardly than when it came time to take privileges away from my teenage kids. They were becoming grown ups and I wanted the beautiful bond we always had to continue to grow and be strengthened.  I wanted to my sons to always accept me, approve of me, and appreciate me. (There it is lol).  But there was too much at stake as they were on the cusp of becoming adults, for me to regress and become child like.  I just couldn’t afford (for their sake more than mine) to care more about what they would think of me than what I was called to do for them-the way I was called to parent them.  The Lord gave them to me to be their mother, one of their parents, to be serious about my stewardship over them and my responsibility to raise them right.  My job was to prepare them to “be in the world but not of it.” There was just too much at risk to cop out and just leave them to themselves when they began heading in the wrong direction.  Parenting is not a one size fit all job.  We need to connect with the Lord on a daily basis to know how to properly parent our kids.  This is especially true when it seems the time has come for us to exercise tough love. At times, tough love is needed so we can make sure our character reflects Christs’ character.  Isn’t that what you want for your kids?

I knew that if I neglected correcting my kids and/or exercising tough love when the time called for it, I was going to do them a real disservice.  The women of my family often said “it’s better for me to teach you than for you to have to learn your lesson from the world.”  I wanted my kids to understand and embrace some real important spiritual truths before they left the nest.  If it took tough love to get it into their knuckle heads than so be it!  Our kids need to understand the principle of sowing and reaping.  They need to know even if they escaped it at home, out in the world, there will be consequences for their actions.  I didn’t put up with disrespect because they will always have to respect the authority figures in their lives, even in adulthood.  I wanted them to know that their sin will cost them and always negatively impact others.  I needed them to see that God’s commands will keep them from difficult consequences and develop their character.  When tough love operates out of right motives it really is true love. When we fail to exercise tough love at the appropriate times-we will become their enablers.  God forbid!

It’s important to note that tough love should never come from a place of “self-righteousness”, “self-preservation,” or “self-promotion.” We can only exercise the right kind of tough love, the kind The Lord gives to us, when it’s able to exist congruently with all of the other beautiful characteristics of love  listed in 1st Corinthians 13:4-8. The recipient of tough love, if they’re honest, should still be able to see that the love you have for them is and has been: long-suffering; kind; not envious; not self-promoting; not puffed up or proud; not rude; not self-seeking; not easily provoked; thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity; rejoices in truth; bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things.  Can you exercise tough love towards your loved one and still both exude and feel all these other characteristics of love?  You can if you rely on the Lord to do so! We always need to examine ourselves in light of God’s definition of love because this is the manner in which He loves us.  When the Lord “chastens those whom He loves” He doesn’t set aside all the other components of love-He chastens us out of those components. Unlike us, God is not all or nothing, HE IS ALWAYS ALL! Loving the way the Lord loves us is everything!  Plus, we can’t afford to allow the enemy to take that which is meant for good and turn it into something evil.  Tough love may at first produce confrontation, contention, and even division.  But we must stay the course and we must do so in love and then we can trust The Lord with the results!

So, is there someone the Lord is calling you to exercise tough love with?  If so, will you surrender to the Lord in this and ask Him for His strength to do so?  What about you?  Have you asked the Lord if He’s having to exercise tough love with you right now because of a sin area of your life?  Will you pray to desire coming to correct with Him more than the sin you’ve been committing yourself to?

When we exercise tough love for the right reason, with the right heart-we love like God. Don’t believe me? Well just take a look at His Word and you’ll see He has the heart to allow the difficult things we need to have in our lives.  When the LORD is involved, the end always justifies the means! 

• JOB:  I’ve been reading the book of Job and I recently realized something. Did you know it was God who brought Job up to satan and not vice-versa.  And guess what, He didn’t do it because He was on an ego trip and/or was trying to prove a point to lucifer.  No, our God is accountable to no one!  If you read the whole book you’ll see the Lord allowed all that He did to do something profound in Job’s life. God revealed Himself to Job in a way Job would have never experienced had not he gone through all that suffering. The LORD knows how to have tough love.
• JOSEPH: God revealed to Joseph that HE had a special calling on his life.  Remember the visions He gave him and how Joseph gloried in it before his brothers?  Well because of His tough love the LORD allowed Joseph’s brothers to carry out the evil desires of their hearts and seemingly sabotage Joseph. But we later learn that what the devil meant for evil, God meant for good.  The Lord used what seemed to wreck Joseph’s life to develop his character into that of a servant leader so he could rule and deliver his people.
• JESUS: The Father exercised some serious tough love when He decided not to remove the cup of suffering from His precious innocent Son’s hands.  He allowed His only begotten Son to be crucified on the cross and pay the price for our sins because of His incredible love for us.  It was Jesus love for us that caused Him to do the tough thing and submit to the Fathers’ will.  In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus said to HIM “not my will, but Thy will be done.”  Because of the tough love He took on Himself, He was able to despise the shame of the cross as He focused on the joy that was set before Him-us.

Tough Love is Always True Love when it comes from the hand of God!

HEART TO HEART: GOD USES TOUGH LOVE TO TAILOR US INTO INSTRUMENTS OF TRUE LOVE.