Heart Matters

“being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 1:6

This is my life verse.  But there was some things the Lord had to orchestrate in order to get me to the place of being able to claim it as my own.  As I share my testimony, my story of how I came to faith in Christ, I hope it encourages you to share your story as well.

I think (thank) my mom did a great job of introducing me to God.  It wasn’t that she was a true believer.  Fact is I actually led her to faith in Christ.  But she did have a belief system: she believed God existed; that Jesus was/is His Son and One with the Father; and that we are to be morally good people towards others.  That was my foundation.  Those were the the stones that cultivated my consciousness and curiosity of God.  I remember how as a young child of about 9 or 10 years old,I’d wake up on a Saturday morning, and walk (by myself) the 7 or 8 blocks to knock on the rectory door.  I recall the two doors being very large, enormous, and intimidating.  But I didn’t hesitate to approach them because I remembered the kindness and the smile of the one I went to see.  I knew that “father” Al (as he was called) would always welcome my visit with opened arms.  I can’t remember how many times I actually visited with him.  Perhaps it was only once.  But it left a lasting impression on my life and it’s always the place where my memory of my journey with God begins.  I traveled to the rectory to see “father”Al because I had questions.  I had met him while attending the church that adjoined to the rectory.  I knew that I could go to him and he’d take the time to answer any questions I had.  The nuns would call him to the front and he’d welcome me into the office off to the right.  I remembered feeling as though the large brown leather chair would swallow me whole.  But never mind that, I went there with a purpose-I needed to know all about this God.  Who was He?  Where did He come from?  Why did He have to come here and die if He was going to resurrect and go back to where He came from?  Why can’t I see Him now?! 

Way back then my heart was desiring to know all about to HIM.  I was drawn to Jesus.  As an innocent child I didn’t question for a minute that HE was God.  I knew it was true!  Even back then I believe I had a sincere desire to follow and stay close to Him. (But there was much more I needed to understand-like my sin nature and how it separated me from Him). I remember my aunt Celestine bringing me a beautifully beaded rosary back from a popular cathedral in New York City.  She taught me how to use it to pray.  As a child I would spend many days setting aside time to pray my rosary.  I had already understood the earthly principle of people pleasing and so I set about making sure I was pleasing to God. He was so special and I knew it, so I also wanted to be special to Him.  I felt I had to do what it took to make that happen.  In eight grade my private school held mass each morning one hour before class began.  Guess what I tried to do every single school day? You guessed it!  I woke up early and tried to attend mass.  I was often late but I felt like catching some of it would be better than not attending at all. Many Sunday’s I walked my blind auntie Joan to mass.  It was some of my fondest memories of my time with her.  We’d talk the entire way there and the whole way back.  So like I said, I was a pretty religious little girl who thought she had a good sincere heart towards God.  God knew my heart better than I did and so He never intended to leave me to religion.  Religion just wouldn’t do-no I was meant for relationship-with Him!

Well as the years went by I grew into the typical teen.  By thirteen I felt I knew more than my mom.  I was sassy, strong-minded, but I still had a somewhat sweet disposition. I had my morals and I believed in being kind to everyone.  However, once my parents separated things began to significantly change.  As we began to seriously struggle financially, I did my best to do my part. I began working at 15 and gave a lot of my paycheck to my mom to help with the bills.  I was proud of the strong young woman I was becoming.  I didn’t realize life was taking a toll on me as well.  As life became more and more challenging with each passing day, my spirit began to change.  As I tucked my hurt and disappointment deep inside, I also withdrew from my pursuit of God.  My part time modeling career, great friends, school and all things 80’s, like MTV music videos, became my comfort and my escape.  I began to see things differently.  Things were starting to become relative to me. Soon I began compromising my self imposed morals. Why not I thought? Nothing else was working out the way I planned.  Like most teens I became rebellious.

I decided against attending college even before finishing high school.  I couldn’t bear the thought of the financial struggle of trying to attend college on my own.  I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as financial aid, such as Pell grants, and loans.  I just knew we didn’t have any money.  Our private high school worked with my mom and my grandmother to ensure my sisters and I could continue to attend and eventually graduate. But always being behind on our tuition was nerve wrecking.  We felt the full effects of attending a private school with students who could afford it and all that came with it, when we no long could.  As we felt the violent shaking of our lives shifting from being middle class to poor, most of those around us were completely oblivious.  Although there were many things that should have exposed us, most of our friends and neighbors really didn’t know the extend of our poverty.  One of the biggest blessings resulting from my life at that time was being able to compare those two seasons of my young life and realize early on that material wealth-money and things-were not the key to happiness.  I was able to look back and quickly see that I was happiest when the people in my life were united and happy.  As our financial decline stole so much more from us than material things, I knew my relationships would be what would always matter most to me. It wasn’t until my late teen years that I began desiring to meet that special someone.  I was ready to meet my knight in shining armor and get swept off my feet!

I graduated from high school a year early.  My mom taught my sisters and I how to read and write before we even went to kindergarten.  When it was time to start school, she had us tested out.  We went straight into 1st grade. I was given a “gap year” before that concept even existed!  I decided to work for a year and save enough money to move to Italy to model.  But The Lord had other plans for me.  The day I turned 18 I decided to fast.  I don’t think it was for religious reasons but rather to just lose some weight (although I really didn’t need to).  On the 7th day of my fast I met the love of my life!

By 19 I was married, by age 20 I was a mom.  I fell in love with our son the moment I knew I was pregnant with him.  Things were going well for us.  We were blessed to make ends meet on our own but we also had the help and support of our family (especially my in- laws).  I decided to attend college and my husband and I both worked while attending school.  My husband graduated college before I did and found a entry level position in Corporate America.  While in college although I was a wife and mother, working part time, I managed to stay on the dean’s list every semester. Things were going just as we planned.

I’ve never regretted marrying young.  I absolutely loved being a wife and I adored being mom to our incredible son!  I say this to say there’s a part of my testimony that I used to be ashamed to share.  It took me years to reconcile it, to understand it.  For a long time I’d leave that part of my testimony out whenever I shared it.  Then one year while serving as Substitute Teaching Leader for BSF (if you’re not familiar with this organization, please look them up and consider attending a class) we were required to briefly share our testimony at every Welcome Evening.  I shared with my youngest son my concerns over sharing that difficult part of my testimony.  But my sweet wise son said “mom you have to, it is your testimony.” So now I always share it, because he’s right.  The Lord allowed it to be a part of what led me to Him and for that I am not ashamed.  I now know I had a serious cross shaped void inside of me demanding to be filled.  The Lord had been surrounding me with believer’s at work, at school, and He even had a sweet lady approach me in the mall to share the Gospel with me.  But I wouldn’t listen.  So The Lord began pursuing me like it was nobody’s business!

I had a really bad car accident in which another vehicle t-boned my vehicle propelling my car head on into a telephone post.  Although I was black and blue and had to get stitches in my knee, and my fairly new vehicle was totaled, I walked away without any life threatening injuries.  Our insurance replaced our car and I continued on with my life.  One night (not long after the first accident), I was on the interstate on my way home from work when a vehicle suddenly veered into my lane to avoid being hit by a car that had came over on it.  In an effort to avoid being hit yet again-I swerved hard to the right.  It caused my car to go careening into the brush on the side of the road.  My car was spinning out of control and all I could see was grass and shrubbery.  At first I struggled to get control of the vehicle and then (this is where it gets weird, this is the part I usually leave out) all of a sudden I took my hands off the wheel and my feet of the clutch and brake.  I leaned back and folded my arms across my chest and said to the Lord “Okay if you want me, then why don’t You just take me!”  (I still can’t fully explain why I made such a foolish statement to the Lord but I’ll tell you in a bit what I think it was).  My car continued spinning, around and around, while I just sat back defiantly.  All of a sudden I heard a voice-not audibly-but with everything inside my being.  HE said “Kirsten, put you foot on the brake now!”  When HE said it, it was a voice of authority, and I didn’t process or think about it-I immediately obeyed. It was as though I had to.  So I put my foot on the brake hard and my vehicle came to a stop. I couldn’t see a thing! My windshield was covered in greenery.  I tried to exit the vehicle but the door was jammed so I went out the passenger door.  It was then I could see my car was lodged underneath fencing.  I was disgusted.  All of a sudden a man came running towards me.  He was in awe.  He was almost out of breathe as he ran towards me to see if I was okay and to let me know how “lucky” I was. He was besides himself as he couldn’t get over my great fortune. He said to me “miss you are so lucky.  I’m a wrecker driver and just earlier this week I was on this very service road because a lady had an accident on the interstate, came over into this area like you, but her vehicle continued onto the service road where she was struck by another vehicle.”  “That poor lady died on the scene” he continued.  He said “look at how lucky you are!” as he walked me over to see the front of my car.  My car stopped just short of going onto the service road.  My front tires were just over the edge.  Had I not stopped when I did-had I not stopped when The Lord told me to- I could have met the same fate that lady did just a few days earlier.  The wrecker driver having witnessed just that, couldn’t believe where my car landed!  He thought I was incredibly lucky but I knew it was much more.  In my frustration with having yet another accident I didn’t allow myself to think about it.  I just dealt with the task at hand of getting home and having my car taken to a shop.

Before I get to how I actually accepted Christ I have to share a little bit more about that painful part of my testimony.  The part of me telling the Lord He could take me if He wanted to.  I wasn’t unhappy.  I wasn’t suicidal.  So why was I all of a sudden willing to throw in the towel at that moment in my life?  How could I possibly be okay with the possibility of leaving the earth when that meant I’d be leaving my greatest joy-my son? Reconciling my attitude in that moment with my mommy’s heart for my precious son is what I struggled with most. Aside from that I also had a happy marriage.  We were on track to accomplishing our goals and our dreams.  My son and my husband were my world and I was head over heals about them! I was happy.  And yet something happened that till this day still leaves me somewhat puzzled.  It took me years to come to terms with it.  The only way for me to explain it is like I said earlier, that cross shaped void within me was becoming more and more vivid and I couldn’t ignore it any longer.  I believe I was frustrated that I needed God but I didn’t have Him.  Maybe I thought if He wouldn’t come to me, then He could just take me to Him.  Prior to my accidents I had began visiting several churches.  I even ran down the aisle with tears streaming down my face in response to an altar call. But once I made it up front I became numb.  I remember the lady counseling me and sharing the Gospel with me as though I had accepted Christ, but since I hadn’t, I simply tuned her out and went home just as empty as I came.  I believe my rebellious stand when I folded my arms and leaned back in that car was my cry for help.  I’m so thankful The Lord heard my cry!  In my foolishness I was telling Him to take me but I didn’t know where I would have been going.

A couple of days later my cousin Brandon who was a born-again Christian (which by the way is the only way to become a Christian. “if Christ is not in you, then you are none of His” Romans 8:9) called me.  He said “hey Kir Kir, I heard you had another accident. Have you ever considered that the Lord may be trying to get your attention?”  And with that-the wall came down.  My cousin had no idea that it was the Lord who told me to put my foot on the brakes, but I knew it was Him.  I guess my cousin could tell I was open to receiving so he told me to get my Bible and spent the next two hours walking me through it and explaining the Gospel to me.  This was back when it was still expensive to talk on the phone long distance, but he didn’t seem to mind at all.  He didn’t rush as he explained to me that my sins separated me from a holy and perfect God.  He took me through God’s Word and showed me that my own goodness was not enough because I still chose sin (Romans 3:10-18).  And although God knew we would choose to sin and rebel against Him, He loved us so much He sent His Son Jesus to come to the earth to die for us and pay the price for our sin (John 3:16).  When he had me turn to John 3:3 where Jesus told Nicodemus (a very religious man) that he needed to be “born again” it was as if the scales completely fell from my eyes.  It was then I declared I wanted to, I needed to, be born again too.  (I couldn’t get over that Jesus actually used those words. Up until then I thought those who referred to themselves that way- all those people the Lord sent to witness to me along the way -the lady in the mall, my co-worker, the neighbor who gave me my Bible as a child-I thought they were all overly religious cult-like people.  And here Jesus was using those very words!) I now knew the truth!  I needed to be born-again.  I needed Jesus to save me!  I believed He was who He said He was and He did what He came to do!  I was saved by grace through faith in Him alone (Ephesians 2:8) and I have never been the same! Immediately after praying and receiving Christ (“for whosoever believes will have eternal life”(John 3:16). I ended my conversation, ran to the back of the house and declared to my husband that I was Born Again! (Romans 10:9-10)  He continued shaving, looking straight ahead in the mirror he responded “sure you are.”  But I got the last laugh because now he also is a follower of Christ! So are both of my beautiful sons! God is Good!  All the Time! Just as the Lord used my cousin Brandon to lead me to Christ, He has given me the privilege to lead others-family, friends and acquaintances to Christ!  And just maybe my testimony even now might help someone realize their desperate need for Jesus Christ in their life.  He’s already made it possible, so if that’s you, what are you waiting for?!! There’s nothing more fulfilling than being filled by CHRIST!

HEART TO HEART:  WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SHARED THE GOSPEL WITH SOMEONE?